Always to be Remembered, Never to be Forgotten.

If I could get my brother back for one more day, how might I spend that time with him?

    1. I would do what Kehau, (the love of his life), did before he passed away, we would sit in his kitchen and

         watch Kehau bake his favourite German Chocolate cake and eat, enjoying every mouthful.  

    2. We would do karaoke, like we did at our father's family service and sing "Unforgettable".

    3. I would tell him, I'm sorry I wasn't there for him when he needed me, like I did before he passed away

        and he would say "Better, late than never."  He didn't need to hear that from me, but I needed to say

        that so I didn't have regrets.

   4. I would laugh, listen and thank him for just being my little brother and how proud I was of him.  He had 

       told me before he passed away how he was really proud of me and how I can help many others.

   5. I would introduce him to my youngest grandchildren who he's never met in person and his eyes would

       soften, his smile would radiate and he would pick them up one by one with his big aloha heart and he                 would tell them, that he knows them and loves them and that he is their mother's favourite uncle!!!   

These 5 things would be like a perfect day! 

Now, what is it that I can do for myself to help me with the grieving process?

     1.  Live as if he is still here, being grateful for his influence for good in my life.

    2.  Embrace my cultural identity and do something about it. PS: I started Siva Samoa classes on his

          birthday.

    3.  Don't take counsel with my fears - ENJOY life, take risks!  PS: Last night I played my first soccer game in for the Pacific Fives and totally enjoyed it!  #cheehoo

    4.  Forgive myself and others to help heal and let go.

    5.  Wake up each day and LOVE my life - each day is a gift and live it as if it might be my last!

Above is a personal list that I know works for me, and I also know that God is in the details and He has guided me to know that the above is what will help me.  It's been a tsunami of emotions and as I unpack the feelings and let them wash over me, I understand myself more and embrace all the feelings.  There is opposition in all things and there most certainly is opposing emotions that can cause conflict and anguish.  In such a time as this, I am actively choosing LOVE to heal.  With God's love nothing is impossible. 

*Disclaimer: This is written from my heart from a personal perspective, not from a clinical professional lens.  Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and real.